“You work?” is a question to moms that makes my blood boil. Yes, I have a job, but being a mom is also a job, and I don’t appreciate anyone acting like it’s not. For “working moms” (I hate that term!) and stay-at-home moms, we all know how much work raising kids can be, full stop. And while I wouldn’t be the one to judge how another mom lives, a dad on Reddit is a little worried about his wife… and I can definitely see the point in him. She is a SAHM of three children ages 5 and under, but she has quite a comfortable helping hand to the tune of $90,000 a year. She doesn’t leave him much to do around the house.
In the “Am I the A-hole?” subreddit, a concerned husband wrote about his wife, who is “stressed out” all the time despite having her kids at daycare and hiring a maid.
“My wife and I have 3 kids they are 5 and 3 and 3. I work full time she stays home,” he wrote. “We have our children in daycare 40 hours a week. We also hire a maid once a week. I work a job that can afford this, but we’re spending ~$90k a year on these services.”
Wow! That’s a lot. That age makes it hard to do anything, but you don’t have to worry about maintenance (too much) if you have a maid. And if the kids are in daycare full time, how does mom spend her days?
“My wife usually naps several hours a day when the kids are at daycare,” the father said. He continues: “I see colleagues who have several children with one parent who stays at home and who can do without daycare or maid. I know our situation is a bit more difficult with the twins, she takes care of waking them up and getting them ready for nursery and dinner/pick up. The two of us take care of dinner, bath and bed, then I clean up.”
It seems like they split the chores pretty evenly, and then the husband works and the wife just stays home…for naps? Is she really a housewife right now, or just a housewife? I’m all for outsourcing help if you want and can afford it, but something isn’t working, because your partner isn’t happy with the arrangement.
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When she’s not napping, her husband said, she spends her time exercising and giving back through volunteer opportunities. Unfortunately, this hasn’t helped ease her stress.
“A year ago my wife started working out with friends and meeting women regularly and helping out with a few local organizations for a couple of hours a week. (all great stuff),” she said. However, she is still stressed. “My wife is always stressed about something, scolding or criticizing me for things that were not done according to her preferences or at the right time. I feel like as a housewife with children in day care and a servant, things should be much more relaxed.”
Right. So this husband doesn’t even seem upset that the kids are at daycare and a maid cleans while her wife hangs out with her friends. The main point: she’s stressed and complains about the kids and him, apparently with very little reason. That has to be exhausting!
“We both recognize that if I had a job that paid less, we would have to do without childcare or a maid, and we would survive,” he continued. “Am I being unreasonable?”
Obviously, Reddit had some words for this mom.
“How can you be a stay-at-home dad if there are no kids home to parent with?” said one person, which is a good point! “I support a part-time daycare situation to socialize the kids at a certain time (how old they are really depends on what they agree to), but it doesn’t seem fair that they foot the bill for her to have a full house. time while paying for full-time daycare. “
“She looks more like a housewife than SAHM,” another commented. A housewife who doesn’t really seem to take care of the house very much!
“What is she doing at home all day if the children are in daycare and a maid is cleaning the house?” another wrote. “I know reddit is about defending how stressed out SAHMs are, but if someone is staying home I think they should contribute to the household in some way, either by taking care of the kids or keeping the household (or ideally both) ). , because who can afford to outsource everything?)”
The OP replied: “She will take a 2-3 hour nap, eat lunch, do chores like laundry and cooking dinner, run errands, and take the kids to doctor visits. But yeah, ¯_(ツ)_/¯”.
Hey… I’m not going to lie to you, I understand why this dad is frustrated. That’s a lot of money to leave just so his wife can nap, do prep work, and run a few errands. Maybe they could get engaged and the kids could be in daycare only part time? You would think she would save money and she would still give her plenty of time to herself.
A stay-at-home mom weighed in on the situation, writing: “As a SAHM, I usually come with guns blazing to defend other SAHMs…however, with all this outsourcing, I honestly don’t understand why your wife would be so stressed.”
He also asked: “Could I be dealing with depression or anxiety? Are there other factors (extended family perhaps) that are causing you stress? Because if you’re really getting the kids dressed, napping, eating lunch, running errands, and cooking dinner… that really shouldn’t be very stressful for the average person. He would be honest with her and encourage her to at least talk to a therapist.”
The father responded to this message, writing: “She is very type A and a perfectionist, and was raised primarily by her mother. She had some vivid memories of parents letting her cry and I think that really affects the way she is a mother. She seems very reluctant to let children cry, even when they are not happy.”
Many others commented that there may be some depression or anxiety at play here, one of which OP replied: “Hmmm.” At least he’s making him think! Perhaps with therapy and/or medication I could control her symptoms and help her find more peace and happiness in her day to day.
“My first thought was also depression,” another person wrote. “It seems that she is not happy with some aspect of her life. I am a SAHM with a nanny and housekeeper. I am never napping or sitting. I have a babysitter to help out because I’m often running around with one of the kids while the other naps. I am very present. The fact that three-year-olds are in daycare full time tells me that she may be incredibly exhausted or depressed and she doesn’t want to be around her children as much. How long have they been in day care?
The father even shared a bit of information about their lives before they had children. “So it’s not like she’s spending all day alone or on her hobbies, I’m actually trying to make her take more care of herself” (more self-care?!) “and worry less about the kids,” she wrote in a comment. “Before we had children, she worked full time and we both did a lot of things outside of work. Life was pretty good.”
If you’ve changed so much since having kids, postpartum depression is definitely worth a look. Up to 1 in 7 women may experience postpartum depression, which can be characterized by feeling hopeless, not finding joy in the things she did before, and not connecting with her children, among other things.
Fortunately, this doting father doesn’t seem to want to control his activities; rather, he is trying to support her and help reduce her stress levels. He also seems to be open to therapy, so hopefully she’ll get the help she needs soon. She might realize that she wants to go back to work or take the kids out of daycare or something else. Either way, it’s worth seeking help when he’s so stressed, no matter how comfortable her lifestyle is.
Before you go, check out these wild stories about the most horrible mother-in-laws on Reddit.
Source: news.google.com