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Dear Care and Feeding,
I live three neighborhoods from my younger sister “Etta,” her husband, and their two school-age children. My nieces and two daughters (also school age) generally enjoy spending time together. I am delighted that the cousins are so close and I would like to maintain this closeness as they grow up.
Our school’s no deadline policy has totally backfired on my teenage son.
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I want to completely cut off my father. My wife is holding me back. Strangers can’t seem to leave our unconventional family alone My mom’s friends think I’m crazy for trusting my daughters
Here’s the problem: Etta’s parenting style is very different from mine, and she’s been causing some tension and discomfort when her children are at my house. My husband and I are quite focused on environmental sustainability and stewardship. We are vegetarians, practice recycling/composting intensively, and prefer to reuse or reuse old materials rather than throw things away and buy something new. Our children usually do these things too. Etta and her husband both work full time, and things tend to be more chaotic in her home, as both parents try to balance work and childcare. Her family chooses to focus on ease/efficiency (which makes sense given her situation!) rather than slow sustainability.
When Etta’s kids are at my house, they constantly snap and complain about how “gross” our composting is, how “weird” our multigrain bread is, or point out that my kids tend to have old clothes. They also boast about their new game system. My children have overreacted by crying and refusing to play with them. I’ve tried de-escalating and mediating, but it doesn’t work. This has happened a few times now and I’m at a loss. I have no idea if my nieces are reflecting what they hear Etta say about us or not. I’ve tried talking to her, but whatever she’s given the kids isn’t changing the situation.
I began to dread these visits and I hate that. What can I do to help both my nieces and my own children to accept the way of life of others without judging or dramatizing?
—Just trying to help the planet
Dear, I’m just trying to help,
I think this should start with a frank conversation with your sister. I know you said that your conversations with her so far have not been effective, and that is probably because of how you are having them.
Maybe I’m the weird one, but I don’t care if we’re talking about extended family members or my electrician; no one will come into my house and make fun of me for how I choose to live. Plus, you’re not hurting anyone by living a sustainable lifestyle, so they have even less reason to make you feel inferior. With that in mind, your conversations shouldn’t be, “Etta, it hurts when your kids make fun of how we choose to live. Can you tell them to stop?” Instead, you should say, “Etta, it really hurts when your kids make fun of how we choose to live. It is affecting the mental health of my children and I will not tolerate it anymore. If this doesn’t stop immediately, they can’t keep coming.” It’s as simple as that.
Don’t give in if she shrugs you off for overreacting or makes you believe her children would never behave that way. Also, you must comply if the unwanted behavior continues, even if it makes things uncomfortable between your families for a while. If you are intellectually honest and value your relationship, you already know that your children are misbehaving and you will do whatever you can to correct them.
Sometimes the “nice guy” approach to getting people to change doesn’t work, so don’t feel bad if you have to be harsher. The goal is to provide a firm reminder of how he chooses to be treated, especially in his own home.
—Doyin
More tips from Slate
I live in a big city. I usually shop at the same supermarket where the employees and customers are friendly and know each other. One employee, a greeter, is especially friendly and we have exchanged greetings several times a week for years.
Source: news.google.com