Joe Biden recently commented that “we’re not in a recession,” which is, by the way, what he tells himself in the mirror every morning, along with “Everyone likes me,” “I’m a great president,” and “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.”
But, just like with Marvel movies, there’s always another recession around the corner whether you like it or not. That’s the deal we made with the devil. Every four years, we have a new Dr. Strange movie and a recession.
So here are some tips on how to save money:
Being a bad friend Good friends are invited to weddings, dinner parties, and vacations. Expensive. You can’t afford that.
Now think of the worst person you know. I’m thinking of my acquaintance Dave. Dave saves thousands of dollars each year simply because of his monotonous personality and his inability to ask questions or talk about anything other than himself.
Talk too close and for too long. Be like Dave. It becomes exhausting to be around. Have the other person lead the conversation. Nobody will want to be near you and you will never have to splurge on plane tickets again. No problem.
Stop spending money on alcohol. Alcohol is a luxury for the rich. Sure, monkeypox, global terror, and the climate apocalypse make you want to down a shelf of whiskey. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend fourteen bucks on a cocktail. There are ways to avoid that.
Some people like to go to Yelp and look up a restaurant’s BYOB policy. I have my own approach – every place is BYOB if you’re not a fucking coward. Did your grandparents fight the Nazis and you’re afraid to bring an eighth of vodka in a water bottle into a dressing room at Macy’s? Growing up. Grow and BYOB
Don’t have children. Children are expensive and your lineage is not that impressive. Unless you have a Nobel laureate in your family tree, there is no reason you need to breed.
People always say that it is selfish not to have children. Well, we’re dealing with overpopulation and resources that are quickly becoming scarce, so it’s actually selfish to have children. Why do you need to have your own children? Just so you can pass your ass on to another generation? Selfish.
If you simply must have children, adopt one who seems withdrawn and a little creepy. That person could become Mark Zuckerberg and make you millions. All you have to do is wait. That is called passive income.
Gas prices have risen, as have their standards for who is worth paying. It’s time to start charging people who waste your time. If a friend tries to tell you the same story from last week? Submit a Venmo request for five dollars.
They could have told you that by text message. There’s no reason you had to drive by and meet them in person to hear how they almost got cast in “SVU” but then didn’t. Almost everyone in New York has been to “SVU.” Call me when you really commit a crime.
Remove friends and save money. If a friend lives more than ten minutes away? Friendship over. If your friend has bad street parking? Friendship over.
While you’re at it, here are some other people you should stop being friends with:
Anyone who identifies as a “plant mother.” Anyone who asks for the address of a place when they could Google it. Anyone who brings her partner when she had plans just for the two of you. I wanted to talk about bad sex and bad co-workers, but now I have to cut short my tirade for your partner? Censorship. Anyone who doesn’t leash their dog in public. I hope your dog gets away and starts a new and better life without you. Anyone who asks me questions during a movie I’m also seeing for the first time. Do you think I directed this movie? I don’t know what’s going on either. I am on this journey with you.
Get polyamorous. As long as you’re watching multiple people, you’ll have access to multiple streaming services and never have to pay for content. Why choose between “The Bear” and “Euphoria” when you can guide multiple people? Find a girl with Hulu, a guy with Netflix and a side piece with HBO and you’ll never be unhappy again – Bell Hooks actually said that.
Think outside the box to get fast money. Go to a grandparents convention and have all the old folks pull a quarter out of your ear. Laundry for the year. Go to the richest quadrant of a big city and do your best to get hit by a Tesla. Get rich off the insurance money or die trying, baby. That’s the motto.
Legally change your name to Doctor. You can change your name to whatever you want! (For example, Junkyard Dog, Jr. or Water Bottle).
Now you don’t have to spend money on college or owe thousands of dollars in student loan debt, you can just be “Dr. Junkyard” and say what you want and people will listen and believe you. It’s like being a man all the time.
Eliminate good food. I’m sorry, but this is an activity that only rich people can participate in now. If you really want to save money, don’t eat in restaurants. Instead, develop an appetite for squirrels. Squirrels are everywhere, so no one will notice if one goes missing.
Our ancestors survived on bugs and leaves, and you think you’re too good for squirrels? Sure, they’re cute, but you know what’s not cute? The price of salmon. Seventeen dollars an ounce? Yeah, I bet fried squirrel doesn’t sound too bad now, does it? Fried squirrel with a side of walnuts if you’re feeling particularly peckish. ♦
Source: www.newyorker.com