DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came of age in the early 1980s, and I have never heard of anyone in my generation, or before, asking a lady’s father for permission to propose. And yet, today, the question of whether to do so comes up with surprising regularity in advice columns and online.
Has the custom experienced a revival in recent years, or was I wrong in thinking that it was extinct back then?
KIND READER: This was never a very useful custom, as Miss Manners recalls. Any Victorian girl worth her salt would have known how to make her father’s life a burden to him if she tried to drive away a favorite suitor of hers.
But now that its uselessness is blatant, it has taken on a certain charm, like the surprise proposal of a couple who long ago established a home and debated whether to legalize it. Or, for that matter, a father “giving away” a girlfriend who is obviously independent of her jurisdiction.
Miss Manners would consider these quaint adornments harmless, but only to the extent that they are worn as a serious requirement.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem that was once unique, but sadly more people these days face it.
I am a retired teacher who spent his entire career at a school that is internationally famous for a mass shooting that occurred before I retired. It is a terribly painful part of my life.
Last night at a wedding I went through something that has happened more times than I can count: I was introduced to a guest by the hostess saying, “This is (my name). She used to teach at (name of school).”
The new acquaintance said, “Where were you when the shooting happened?”
I said, “In the building, but that’s not a nice conversation for a wedding,” and tried to change the subject. She went on to ask me how I felt about another shooting involving elementary school students.
Trust me: no one wants to know how I feel about it.
I said, “Oh, that’s not a good conversation for a wedding either.”
He got angry and said, “You knew I had to ask.”
This has happened at parties, showers, all sorts of places. It’s like all my friends and acquaintances think this is a great way to start conversations between me and their other friends. It is not.
Do I talk to everyone whose invitations I accept and ask that they not introduce me in this way? How do I make people not ask and, of course, not keep insisting? It has ruined whole occasions for me that should have been happy.
KIND READER: In fact, their problem is those tasteless hosts. When introducing guests, it’s helpful to provide a conversation starter, but only if the guest wants to have that conversation.
In addition to choosing more sensitive friends, you should stop such ads by firmly saying, “That’s not something I’m interested in discussing.” Or, in today’s parlance, Miss Manners might resort to “I don’t think you want to trigger that memory.”
Submit your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Source: www.mercurynews.com